Off to the Land of Lincoln
I leave this weekend for a demonstration in my home state. I have always found myself particularly fond of political opportunities when they arise and what a better time to expose my spirit than on the Fourth of July! Some of my new "grass" friends from the beach organized a rally in Lincoln, IL in protest to the Abraham Lincoln statue and amusement park.
In the event that you have not heard of this monstrosity, allow me to reveal the government's evil schemes:
The proposal is that of a 305', hideous replica of ole Abe, top hat and all, christening the fields of Central Illinois with a watermelon waterfall. Supposedly, something of this grandeur could attract tourists from far and wide finally putting Logan County on the map.
Here is where conspiracy lies... Abe is not going to be full of amusement and the laughs of children as they play beneath the pelting stream of watermelon juice. It is the warped and evil attempts of Dick Durbin to take out the country from its core! Those beady eyes are actually his control tower where he will sit and manipulate the minds of every man, woman, and child who approaches Lincoln's big toe. Hidden beneath the hat, storage of nuclear weapons. And just when you thought it was bad enough, Oprah announces full responsibility as the number one financial contributor of these efforts, "I really resonate with Abraham. Where he came from and where he headed. Of course, I am in absolute support of this new Happy Land where sad children can find peace and distraught parents can be complete."
Stand with me if you can! Stop this damnation before it begins.