My car gets 14.3 mpc (miles per cat)
I have a new hero. Christian Koch, a 55-year-old German inventor, has developed a new type of bio-diesel fuel that is made of dead cats (as reported by CNN). This is the most brilliant possible solution to the two toughest challenges facing Americans in 2005: Reliance on foreign oil, and the fact that cats are annoying and stupid.
Koch has been given the key to his city and has received an official commendation from German president Horst Köhler. More importantly, he has been nominated for the Nobel Prize for physics. (I don't know these facts for sure, since the article is pretty light on details, but they're almost certainly true.)
Think of the implications of this line of study. You're a third-world country, struggling to find the natural resources to generate power? Dead cat diesel power plants. Safe drinking water is scarce? Dead cat diesel water treatment plants. It's not too big of a stretch to imagine that twenty years down the road, rockets taking life-sustaining supplies to our brave astronauts on the moon base will be powered by some derivative of this cheap and sustainable fuel.
This is a paradigm shift. It's a watershed moment. I'm sure we will remember for the rest of our lives where we were and what we were doing when we first learned of the life-altering research of Christian Koch, the man who gave us dead cat diesel, the Earth's perfect fuel.